I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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