i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
