they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize