I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
