I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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