I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
