i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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