The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
