Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
