she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
