you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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