Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
