I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
