Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
