She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize