im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize