The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
