Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
