i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
