I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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