In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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