i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I deserve this hangover.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
