you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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