The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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