On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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