I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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