The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
