farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
