break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
