i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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