New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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