I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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