Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
