I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Damn victory sex feels great
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
