Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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