I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
