Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
