The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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