After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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