this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
