are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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