She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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