It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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