if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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