nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Randomize
