May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
