dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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