tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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