She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need water and some morals
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
