I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
