Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
