final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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