The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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