don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
