I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
