I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
