Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
