walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
