You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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