I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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