Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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