when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
